My Reasons

I am starting this blog to begin my own healing. Im hoping there are others out there who have had the same diffculties I have had. Im also hoping that by writing this blog I can begin to dissipate some of the anger and bitterness I have acquired over the years. I have tried therapy. I have tried self-help books. I've tried positive thinking (and lots of negative as well if Im to be honest), and Ive tried medication. Ive come close to calling it quits a few times but knowing that I would never want to be looked at as someone trying to gain attention, I have never actually tried to commit suicide, [because] what if I fail? I would never want to be thought of as weak (although again if Im to be honest, which is the goal here,) I AM weak. But Im also strong. I just forget that on some days. I plan to start from the beginning but for now I just want to paraphrase WHY I am doing this. I have been so lost over the past year. I have lost a lot over the years but I lost my best friend this past year and when that happened, I didnt know what to do or where to turn. So I turned inward (which is a really bad place for me to be) and I also turned to drinking. A Lot. That of course made it all that much worse. I could see it yes, and I probably could've stopped. Problem is, I felt so sorry for myself and like I had been used and discarded that I didnt WANT to help myself. I quit going to therapy about 6 months ago because I didnt want to hear her say that I needed to move on (which I already knew) and I also didnt want to hear her say she thought it would be better if I quit drinking (which of course I already knew as well). But where else do you turn when the one person who had promised to be there for you and to never hurt you is suddenly hurting you everyday and HAS in fact abandoned you? Depression runs in my family. I deal with it everyday. If you've battled with it, you know that it is very debilitating. It can render you speechless and paralyzed. It can also ruin relationships, cost you jobs and personal items and worse than all that, self respect. I am here today because of God, my friends and family, and whether I want to believe it or not, my unwillingness to quit before I get a chance to see my girls grow up and get married, have kids of their own and watch my grandkids have kids. Whether or not I am comfortable living day to day and no matter how hard I make life sometimes, the bottom line is......Im not yet ready to give up. So I will continue with therapy, I will continue with my meds, I will continue to try to learn forgiveness. I will also continue to listen to self help books and seek help from my friends and family and the internet. And now I am also going to keep up this blog and maybe by doing so will discover some hidden facet of myself that has kept me blocked from life for so long.