How long do you beg before you finally decide that you need to move on?  I have a boyfriend, who I plan to break up with.  Not because he has done anything wrong per se but because as much as I thought the way for me to move on was to distract myself with someone else, its not working.  Im with him and I want to be with someone else.  When Im with the someone else, I am getting calls and texts that I dont want to answer.  That in turn pisses my boyfriend off (rightly so) but somehow I just dont care.  I decided a while back what I wanted to make my life happy.  Problem is, I need a willing partner.  I have other guys texting me and emailing me, constantly asking me if I have found what I am looking for.  I have an ex-husband who swears that if I were to just come back, he'd treat me like a queen.  Although he swears he treated me like a queen before.  Funny, I felt more like a peasant girl.  I had a talk with my forbidden love a few nights ago.  In all reality, all I can see is him.  After spending the past 8 months trying to move on and trying to get my heart to let go, I have come to the conclusion that that is not going to happen.  I think I would rather live alone than to try to make it with someone else that I dont love wholeheartedly.  So now what?  First, I break up with my boyfriend.  That is a given.  But then what?  Sit around and wait while my forbidden tries to make it with this new girl?  All the while trying to pretend that it doesnt hurt?  I cant move out, that is not an option, nor do I want to.  What I want is for him to finally give in and do what his heart is telling him is right.  He told me the other night that he still loves me.  He told me he missed me while he was dating the other girl.  He told me he doesnt want to lose me again.  So why not just get rid of everyone else, and give in to our love wholeheartedly?  Why cant we just give this a chance and see where it leads?  I want to.  I want to more than anything.

How do you move on when the one you love is looking for the one HE loves?  Nothing makes sense except for what you feel.  You think it should be obvious to everyone involved.  Yet, the only one its obvious to is you.  He lives with me.  I have everything in common with him.  Yet due to society, our love is forbidden.  So he is trying to conform.  Me?  Im trying to give him what he wishes for which is release.  But yet, I see it in his eyes.  I feel it in his touch.  He loves me.  He is going to judge every girl he meets by the standands he has used in our relationship.  How is that fair to anyone else we bring in to our lives? Its not fair to the guy Im seeing.  Its not fair to the girls he's trying to spend time with.  We GET each other.  We speak without talking.  We GET each other's humor which no one else gets.  Are we doomed to spend our llives with others because no one will accept our relationship?  Or will we eventually find someone who will replace each other?  Ive spent my life living my life to other's standards.  I made a choice 2.5 years ago.  (I finally decided that I didnt care what anyone else said or thought.)  I was finally happy.  Whos choice is it anyway to make me happy other than mine?  I have always lived my life to make everyone else happy and comfortable.  Is that really how I am supposed to live?  Is it really my life or the rest of the world's?  I believe its mine.  I should be able to do what makes me happy so long as my choices alter  no one else's life.  Right?  Am I wrong??????  So please, someone explain.  Tell me why I have to sacrifice how I feel to make everyone else comfortable.  I dont feel its fair and I dont believe anymore that I should have to conform. 

One Wish

I was asked recently if I could have one wish, what would I wish for.  This is somethng I have thought about a few times over the years, and here is the conclusion I have come to.  You have to be very careful with this since no matter what you wish for is going to have consequences.  Of course, anyone who knows anything about being granted wishes knows that you are not allowed to ask for more wishes.  THAT is not allowed. LOL.  So you really are confined to just one.  And knowing how the universe works, Ive also come to the conclusion that you have to be VERY specific.  For instance.....you can not just wish for "my own island".  If you did...here is how your consequences will work. Yes, you will get your own island.  HOWEVER, since you are allowed only one wish you are not allowed to specify that you want that island stocked with food and drink and the sexiest blonde/brunette/redhead you can think of.  Technically that would be four wishes.  So what you are stuck with is an island.  Probably all to yourself, good luck finding edible food that tastes as good as cheeseburgers or pizza, and that tall margarita you were thinking about sipping on down on the beach?  Well you can forget that too.  So have fun with that island wish.  Same thing goes for almost everything else you could possibly wish for.  Money.......IRS problems (or family you never even knew you had comes crawling out of the woodwork).  Fame......Oh SURE.  But they forget to tell you that the fame will be so much you wont even be able to go to the bathroom without having 50 million cameras pointed at your.....ahem.  Ok......so how about a spouse 20 years younger than you.  PERFECT!  POOF.  You were 60, suddenly you are 80 and that cute little person you are married to is STILL standing next to you and is STILL 60.  So what else.......okay......POWER.  Suddenly you are the most powerful person in the world.  What they didnt tell you there is suddenly you are also going to be the person with the biggest hit on your head.  How about youth?  You stay young while everyone you love and care about grows old and passes away.  So back to what I wish.........Well, I think my answer would be that I would like to have my depression cured.  Ive tried thinking of a consequence to that one and cant really unless I wanna stay up nights concerned that I wont be giving money to the pharmacueticals for depression meds anymore.  I think I am safe there.  Besides, if I could cure my depression, I think I would be perfectly alright trying to make my own fame and fortune.  I would be healthy enough to take care of myself and care FOR myself and my girls.  So yeah.  I wish............my depression was cured.  What would YOU wish for?

My Reasons

I am starting this blog to begin my own healing. Im hoping there are others out there who have had the same diffculties I have had. Im also hoping that by writing this blog I can begin to dissipate some of the anger and bitterness I have acquired over the years. I have tried therapy. I have tried self-help books. I've tried positive thinking (and lots of negative as well if Im to be honest), and Ive tried medication. Ive come close to calling it quits a few times but knowing that I would never want to be looked at as someone trying to gain attention, I have never actually tried to commit suicide, [because] what if I fail? I would never want to be thought of as weak (although again if Im to be honest, which is the goal here,) I AM weak. But Im also strong. I just forget that on some days. I plan to start from the beginning but for now I just want to paraphrase WHY I am doing this. I have been so lost over the past year. I have lost a lot over the years but I lost my best friend this past year and when that happened, I didnt know what to do or where to turn. So I turned inward (which is a really bad place for me to be) and I also turned to drinking. A Lot. That of course made it all that much worse. I could see it yes, and I probably could've stopped. Problem is, I felt so sorry for myself and like I had been used and discarded that I didnt WANT to help myself. I quit going to therapy about 6 months ago because I didnt want to hear her say that I needed to move on (which I already knew) and I also didnt want to hear her say she thought it would be better if I quit drinking (which of course I already knew as well). But where else do you turn when the one person who had promised to be there for you and to never hurt you is suddenly hurting you everyday and HAS in fact abandoned you? Depression runs in my family. I deal with it everyday. If you've battled with it, you know that it is very debilitating. It can render you speechless and paralyzed. It can also ruin relationships, cost you jobs and personal items and worse than all that, self respect. I am here today because of God, my friends and family, and whether I want to believe it or not, my unwillingness to quit before I get a chance to see my girls grow up and get married, have kids of their own and watch my grandkids have kids. Whether or not I am comfortable living day to day and no matter how hard I make life sometimes, the bottom line is......Im not yet ready to give up. So I will continue with therapy, I will continue with my meds, I will continue to try to learn forgiveness. I will also continue to listen to self help books and seek help from my friends and family and the internet. And now I am also going to keep up this blog and maybe by doing so will discover some hidden facet of myself that has kept me blocked from life for so long.