How long do you beg before you finally decide that you need to move on?  I have a boyfriend, who I plan to break up with.  Not because he has done anything wrong per se but because as much as I thought the way for me to move on was to distract myself with someone else, its not working.  Im with him and I want to be with someone else.  When Im with the someone else, I am getting calls and texts that I dont want to answer.  That in turn pisses my boyfriend off (rightly so) but somehow I just dont care.  I decided a while back what I wanted to make my life happy.  Problem is, I need a willing partner.  I have other guys texting me and emailing me, constantly asking me if I have found what I am looking for.  I have an ex-husband who swears that if I were to just come back, he'd treat me like a queen.  Although he swears he treated me like a queen before.  Funny, I felt more like a peasant girl.  I had a talk with my forbidden love a few nights ago.  In all reality, all I can see is him.  After spending the past 8 months trying to move on and trying to get my heart to let go, I have come to the conclusion that that is not going to happen.  I think I would rather live alone than to try to make it with someone else that I dont love wholeheartedly.  So now what?  First, I break up with my boyfriend.  That is a given.  But then what?  Sit around and wait while my forbidden tries to make it with this new girl?  All the while trying to pretend that it doesnt hurt?  I cant move out, that is not an option, nor do I want to.  What I want is for him to finally give in and do what his heart is telling him is right.  He told me the other night that he still loves me.  He told me he missed me while he was dating the other girl.  He told me he doesnt want to lose me again.  So why not just get rid of everyone else, and give in to our love wholeheartedly?  Why cant we just give this a chance and see where it leads?  I want to.  I want to more than anything.

How do you move on when the one you love is looking for the one HE loves?  Nothing makes sense except for what you feel.  You think it should be obvious to everyone involved.  Yet, the only one its obvious to is you.  He lives with me.  I have everything in common with him.  Yet due to society, our love is forbidden.  So he is trying to conform.  Me?  Im trying to give him what he wishes for which is release.  But yet, I see it in his eyes.  I feel it in his touch.  He loves me.  He is going to judge every girl he meets by the standands he has used in our relationship.  How is that fair to anyone else we bring in to our lives? Its not fair to the guy Im seeing.  Its not fair to the girls he's trying to spend time with.  We GET each other.  We speak without talking.  We GET each other's humor which no one else gets.  Are we doomed to spend our llives with others because no one will accept our relationship?  Or will we eventually find someone who will replace each other?  Ive spent my life living my life to other's standards.  I made a choice 2.5 years ago.  (I finally decided that I didnt care what anyone else said or thought.)  I was finally happy.  Whos choice is it anyway to make me happy other than mine?  I have always lived my life to make everyone else happy and comfortable.  Is that really how I am supposed to live?  Is it really my life or the rest of the world's?  I believe its mine.  I should be able to do what makes me happy so long as my choices alter  no one else's life.  Right?  Am I wrong??????  So please, someone explain.  Tell me why I have to sacrifice how I feel to make everyone else comfortable.  I dont feel its fair and I dont believe anymore that I should have to conform.